This is Getting Harder Every Day

So I didn't update on my weigh-in.  I'm sure you can guess why.  I had a gain.  I was not happy.  It's all my fault, though.  I didn't track my nightly snacks very closely.  Also, you know, girl troubles.  I'd rather not talk about it too much.

See, the thing is, I'm having a lot of trouble with my schedule.  I drive all the time.  I'm playing taxi for a cousin who gets off work at 2 AM.  Sleep is becoming a bit of a luxury.  As we all know, not sleeping contributes to weight gain.  So do cookies.

I'm going to have to stop eating my mother's cooking, as well.  She tends to be one of those who just tosses a bunch of stuff into a pot and calls it a meal.  Granted, it's usually really tasty but it's darn hard to track.  I mean, she makes this really great potato salad with mayo and mustard and eggs and I have no idea how much any of those there is.  So how do you track that?  I ate half a cup so, yeah, I'm minding my portions but geez. It could be anywhere from two points to ten.  *Shrugs*  I guess I'll just have to start doing all my own cooking.

And that really sucks hard.  I don't want to be all snotty about food but I don't want to be fat any more, either.  People don't get that.  I don't want to say that they want me to stay fat because that would be really paranoid but sometimes it really seems that way.  Status quo, and all that.

I don't know.  I haven't been exercising as much as I probably should.  In fact, I'm gonna go do that right after I finish this post.  I did walk yesterday at the park.  That's what I really need to work on.  Exercise.  I hate it so.  I know I'll feel better, though, when I get on with it.

OK.  I went for my walk before I finished the post.  I just got back.  Emmett, the world's coolest dog, almost took my hand off but we made good time.  We only did fifteen minutes but that took us about half a mile.  I know it isn't much but I'm in really poor condition.  If I were a stamp, I'd be worthless.

I know, I know.  I'm rambling again.  To make up for it, and since I don't like to post pictures of myself but I'd still like to give you an idea of what I look like, here's a picture of a fat cat.

Tha's What I'M Talkin' 'Bout!

I'm really bad at slang. I sound ridiculous. It even look ridiculous when I type it. Please do not mock me. It's out of my control, really.

Now to the point! I lost three pounds this week and I'm now at 12 pounds total. I started, for those of you keeping score at home, at 294. Yep. Just shy of the big three. I'm now at 282 even. I know, I know. I'm still gargantuan. I am, however, less gargantuan than I was when I started! This is a good thing!

Also, I started walking yesterday for reals. At least, I did actually walk. I'm going to kick it in officially tomorrow evening with record keeping and everything. How far can a big ol' fatty walk before her heart stops? Yesterday I did about half a mile. It wasn't much but at my fitness level it's better to start slow. Actually, I'm doing a plan from Weight Watchers that's specifically for people who are really just getting started. I've exercised before, of course, and I could probably do more than fifteen minutes at a time but I'm hoping that starting with such short sessions and building will keep me motivated. Fifteen minutes doesn't feel like such a chore and I don't dread the idea. Emmett, the world's most awesome dog, will be joining me. He loves his leash more than he loves me. He also has a tendency to pull but we're working on it. Wish me luck!!!

Tight Pants Update: I wore the dreaded favorite pants on Thursday. Hallelujah! I can breathe! Not only that but I didn't have to lie down to zip them up! I still have some serious overhang of belly and they aren't perfectly comfortable. They grab my tush pretty heartily, too. Nevertheless, I felt great! Twelve pounds and I'm already getting back into my clothes! As soon as I finish this post I'm going to go check out a few other items I haven't worn for a while. If some of them fit I'm going to feel like a svelte Dixie goddess.

Actually, if you'll give me a few moments, I'm going to go try some things on now. I'll be right back with a report...

OK. A couple of things fit better (hooray) but a few don't. Mostly tops are looking better, pants and skirts are a wash. (Ha! Get it? A wash? Because they're clothes???) I'm going to keep working on it, though. I'll be back in my slightly skinnier clothes in no time!

H.A.L.T.

Today I am lonely. I can't exactly tell you why. Yes, I am by myself but that usually isn't a problem. I like my time alone. I need it to stay some semblance of sane. Maybe it was the relationship that just ended. Maybe it's hormones. Maybe it was having to read Elizabeth Barrett Browning for British Lit class. Who knows? Either way, I'm feeling pretty crummy right now.

So I'm pretty down at the moment. I've been doing that thing where I start to cry silently. I hate it. I get so maudlin that I can't stand myself and that just increases the sadness. I think things like, of course you're alone. You're pathetic. Who would want to spend time with a big whiny jerk like you? Get it together, Lori. This is your life so suck it up and take it like a grown up. So, yeah. That sucks.

What does this have to do with a weight loss blog? Everything, really. See, a lot of my self-esteem problems come from my weight and the really cruel way I have been treated about it all my life. I've had to hear about it non-stop for 34 years. You know how people don't think kids really understand what grown-ups are saying or that they won't remember it? Well, they do. I remember other adults commenting to my mother about my weight. I remember my second grade teacher telling me that if I was fat as a child I would always be fat. Not exactly in those words but that was the intent.

I remember other kids only being my friend when no one else was around. Then, when someone else came along they'd join right in with the mockery. I remember being afraid to eat my lunch because I knew if other kids saw me eating they'd make fun of me. I remember being picked last for sports even though I was actually pretty good. Then when I actually didn't make a fool of myself all the compliments were qualified with "for a fat girl." I swear, I could have saved my entire third grade class for a burning building and everyone would have said, "Yeah, that was pretty good but I bet one of the 'normal' kids could have done it better."

These are the kinds of things that come up when I get down. There are more but I'm not quite ready to divulge all that. Maybe some day but not now. Besides, this is getting a little long-winded and ridiculously plaintive. I guess I should just come to the point.

When I started getting all morose I thought of something very important. It's a little acronym they use in recovery programs. H.A.L.T. It stands for all the things you shouldn't let go to far because they can cause you to fall back on your old addictions. It stands for hungry, angry, lonely and tired. Since I would say that I have an addiction, as do many of my fellow chubbos, I think this applies to me. That's why I'm blogging again so soon, to put off the binge-lust in the hopes that it passes and also to get my feelings out all nice and healthy-like. I want to go into my kitchen and eat anything that will hold still long enough. I want to open the peanut butter jar and eat the whole thing with a spoon. I want to down an entire box of Fiber Plus bars (I have the new coconut ones. Yum.). I want to go all Dagwood and make a sammich that would require me to unhinge my jaw to eat. I guess I could have some grapes (Zero ponits on the PointsPlus system!) but that would still be eating and what I'm trying to do is change emotional eating patterns. Does that make sense at all?

So any way, that's what's going on at this exact moment. Sorry (if anyone actually reads this) if I was a bummer. Since I wrote such a depressing post and that it was rambling and probably made no sense, I'm going to sign off with a picture of a happy shiba inu.

Will You Still Respect Me in the Morning?

Oh, Carrot Cake! I know that I've been charmed by you in the past. The way you sit there, snuggled in your blanket of cream cheese icing, is almost irresistible. I have to admit, you are quite the temptation.


And you've been there for me, Carrot Cake! When I was feeling down you came along a lifted my fragile spirit. When I was lonely you kept me company. When I was stressed you provided some much-needed relaxation. Carrot Cake, I don't know what to say that will explain all you've meant to me! I have to say, though, my dear Carrot Cake, all that is in the past.


You see, I'm moving on. For all your sweet, sweet promises and and confectionery wiles, you were never really good for me. Sure, you're not without redeeming qualities but they're really just whitewash on an outhouse. Carrot Cake? You make yourself sound like a nutritious but tasty treat in a bakery full of eclairs and doughnuts. It's all a lie, isn't it, Carrot Cake? Sure, you contain carrots but in relatively small quantities. Mostly you're all fat and sugar and refined flour and all those other things that have sabotaged me, lo, these many years. That fluffy white blanked you swaddle yourself in is nothing more than a weapon in your arsenal of things that keep me unhealthy.


So, yeah. I guess that's it, Carrot Cake. It's over. We're through. Is there someone else? Well, sort of. For now I'm kind of playing the field. I just spent some time with Watermelon and I have plans with Peach and Pineapple later. You remember them, right? I mean, I always knew they were there but I never really got how great they were. I couldn't see how sweet they were because my relationship with you always clouded my judgment. Oh, and you know Angel Food? I know you two always tried to stay away from each other but I want you to know that Angel Food is pretty terrific, too. It's amazing. They all seem to get me more than you ever did.


Good-bye, Carrot Cake. I'm sure I'll see you around from time to time. Just don't expect me to call. I have better things to do.

To the Nines!

OK. Yesterday was my official weigh-in day but, alas, I missed it. I stayed at my friend's place and she has no scale. And of course, I ate before I gt home and all that so I just put it off a day. So, today it was!

Long story short, I lost four pounds this week. That brings me down nine. Now, if I can just do that eighteen more times, I'll be all set! If I could keep up my current pace I could be at goal in about a year. Hooray, right?

Well, unfortunately, I'm not quite delusional. Granted, I'm pretty close (I'm 34 and still waiting for my Hogwart's letter.) but I know that weight loss gets slower as you go. I've been down this path before. In the past, I've giving up the minute things slowed down. I just cannot let that happen again. When I'm eating well and exercising I know I feel better. Of course, there are moments when you drive past Taco Bell and long for the sweet, sweet freedom to hit the drive through and pig out. Still, if I really want a burrito, I will have that burrito. I just have to sacrifice all my snacks. AND WHO THE HECK WANTS TO DO THAT?!?

So it's 7:17 AM. I'm up early because I fell asleep in the enchanted chair last night. I have a long day ahead of me that includes a three-year-old's birthday party. (It's like Temptation Island with cake, and I loves me some cake.) I also have a major pile of house work to do and I have to work on a paper for British lit. Wish me luck on staying on plan today and getting a little exercise in, too.

Two weeks Down...

Just a couple of weeks ago I wore a pair of pants that I bought when I was a little thinner. I couldn't breathe and was sporting a muffin top that would have been the toast of Drury Lane. Since I have so few things that fit right now I wore them anyway and regretted it as much as you can imagine.


I've been back (no, this isn't my first square dance) on plan for a little over two weeks now and lost five pounds. A couple pf days ago I tried those beloved trousers on again. Were they still pretty tight? Oh, yes. Was there still a muffin top? Yup. Did I wear them with pride? You know it, sister!


Why was that? I'm glad you asked! I wore them because even thought they were still too tight and my belly was hanging over like them gardens in Babylon they weren't as tight as they had been. Just five little pounds (out of about 160) and I can already tell a difference. It was like a tiny Christmas, without all the cookies of course.


I've decided to continue to wear these pants at least once a week. It may not be the most accurate measurement of all time but for me it's like the atomic clock: great to refer to once in a while just to remind myself that my other devices are right on track.