H.A.L.T.

Today I am lonely. I can't exactly tell you why. Yes, I am by myself but that usually isn't a problem. I like my time alone. I need it to stay some semblance of sane. Maybe it was the relationship that just ended. Maybe it's hormones. Maybe it was having to read Elizabeth Barrett Browning for British Lit class. Who knows? Either way, I'm feeling pretty crummy right now.

So I'm pretty down at the moment. I've been doing that thing where I start to cry silently. I hate it. I get so maudlin that I can't stand myself and that just increases the sadness. I think things like, of course you're alone. You're pathetic. Who would want to spend time with a big whiny jerk like you? Get it together, Lori. This is your life so suck it up and take it like a grown up. So, yeah. That sucks.

What does this have to do with a weight loss blog? Everything, really. See, a lot of my self-esteem problems come from my weight and the really cruel way I have been treated about it all my life. I've had to hear about it non-stop for 34 years. You know how people don't think kids really understand what grown-ups are saying or that they won't remember it? Well, they do. I remember other adults commenting to my mother about my weight. I remember my second grade teacher telling me that if I was fat as a child I would always be fat. Not exactly in those words but that was the intent.

I remember other kids only being my friend when no one else was around. Then, when someone else came along they'd join right in with the mockery. I remember being afraid to eat my lunch because I knew if other kids saw me eating they'd make fun of me. I remember being picked last for sports even though I was actually pretty good. Then when I actually didn't make a fool of myself all the compliments were qualified with "for a fat girl." I swear, I could have saved my entire third grade class for a burning building and everyone would have said, "Yeah, that was pretty good but I bet one of the 'normal' kids could have done it better."

These are the kinds of things that come up when I get down. There are more but I'm not quite ready to divulge all that. Maybe some day but not now. Besides, this is getting a little long-winded and ridiculously plaintive. I guess I should just come to the point.

When I started getting all morose I thought of something very important. It's a little acronym they use in recovery programs. H.A.L.T. It stands for all the things you shouldn't let go to far because they can cause you to fall back on your old addictions. It stands for hungry, angry, lonely and tired. Since I would say that I have an addiction, as do many of my fellow chubbos, I think this applies to me. That's why I'm blogging again so soon, to put off the binge-lust in the hopes that it passes and also to get my feelings out all nice and healthy-like. I want to go into my kitchen and eat anything that will hold still long enough. I want to open the peanut butter jar and eat the whole thing with a spoon. I want to down an entire box of Fiber Plus bars (I have the new coconut ones. Yum.). I want to go all Dagwood and make a sammich that would require me to unhinge my jaw to eat. I guess I could have some grapes (Zero ponits on the PointsPlus system!) but that would still be eating and what I'm trying to do is change emotional eating patterns. Does that make sense at all?

So any way, that's what's going on at this exact moment. Sorry (if anyone actually reads this) if I was a bummer. Since I wrote such a depressing post and that it was rambling and probably made no sense, I'm going to sign off with a picture of a happy shiba inu.